136# - 109# - 150# - What?

My weight is what...?

I am 5'9.5" tall.  Yes, I always count that half inch - at least I will until the inevitable shrinking starts. Anywho, I am tall for a gal - so they say.

I am used to being around people who are shorter than I am - and when I run into a female who is taller, I feel inadequate as a man.  Yes, I know I am not a man - just say'n...

I have always been on the lighter side - since birth anyway. The "cute in a 'why-don't-you-put-some-weight-on-those-bones-kind' of way..." as the lyrics go in the group's "Black Tape for a Blue Girl's" version of the "Knock Three Times" song.  My weight just stayed on the low end for the most part until about 10 years ago (when I was about 36 years old or so).  At that time, I embarked on a yo-yo weight odyssey.  An odyssey influenced by my mood, life stability, stress levels, activity, and 'diet' (and by diet I mean how I eat, not an actual "D-I-E-T").

At this time 2 years ago I was around 136 pounds. At this time one year ago, I was headed for my low of 109 pounds. Now, if you know anything about height/weight ratios, you will know from what I write here - that I was WAY TOO SMALL for my height. By February of this year, I hit my ALL TIME HIGH of 150 pounds.  OK, again, if you factor in my height, that is not a 'huge' deal visually or health wise. However, as much as I suck at math, I think that is a 37% gain.  My current weight is higher than it was when I was 9 months pregnant, with my sweet sweet daughter, 25 years ago.  That is an eye-opening concept in my book.  Impressive really.... 

So, a busy life, anxiety, stress, and depression - partially brought on by drama and major life changing events -rendered me unable to eat.  A lot of folks eat eat eat when they are stressed.  I just simply - stop.  I can drop 30 pounds in under 2 weeks.  Is this healthy?  HELL NO...

Oh no, can I say "HELL" on television?

I have had a love hate relationship with food for years, as I had, for many years of my life, not cared for most food enough to do anything but eat as necessity, not for the joy of it.

As time has gone on, and I started taking 'happy pills', I managed to start eating.

This opened the flood gates. Eat, Eat, Eat...

My "I'm full" button is broken.  I am eating anything that can't outrun me.  This, in and of itself, would not be so bad except I have added drinking at least 1 McDonald's Chocolate Chip Frappe' a day, adding a whopping 700+ calories to my daily intake. Then consider the Starbucks' Venti Iced Caramel Macchiato with whole milk and whip at over 500 calories as a nearly daily treat......  Oh, and the fact I can eat 8 Reese Cups in one sitting....  

Oh yes, why am I gaining weight?  Duh..................................

I will eat until I stop. It will all even out.  

I think that is enough on this subject.  I have Mayfield's Snow Cream Frozen Dessert in the freezer and heavy whipping cream to pour over the top....

This is soooooo NOT a "How to be Fit" post...

Blech 

I am NOT weighing myself anylonger

I Am What I Am, & That's All That I Am

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.
~Kurt Cobain

So I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and she said something that struck me sideways. Not in an ugly way, just caused me to think.

She said she tried to blog but would rather post pictures of her completed projects than talk about herself.

I thought to myself, "uh-oh, do people give a rat's arse what I write about?  Especially if it is just about me?"

Then I realized, what do I know better - than myself?  

Not much...

I have lived a life. My own life. No one else has walked in my shoes and I have not walked in anyone else's.  

Some folks might get joy, entertainment, laughter, or comfort when reading something I put to "paper".  Shoot, they might only get to say "really?", "she is a nut",  "oh no she didn't......", or "what an idiot...".

It could be that nothing other than my working through uncertainties comes from my writing.  Maybe, it will do nothing more than than serve as my memory when my brain fails me...

With all that being said, writing down events, thoughts, experiences, and what have you - may just save me in some way.  And maybe someone out in the world will stumble upon my rantings and ramblings and go along for that sometimes not so fun ride.

I guess that is a fancy way of saying, while some folks create wonderful projects and artwork to express themselves and to be enjoyed, I write for me and hope someone out there gets enjoyment, help, therapy, or etc. as well...

Thanks ATE, you made me think and I appreciate it!